I surprised myself with a return of 29.4% this week. I am happy to continue on this path, but as soon as my results start to sour I must significantly cut back on risk.
My score for following the road map is 7 out of 10. It is slightly lower than in the previous two weeks because I felt a strange sense of helplessness and foreboding on Thursday night. It seemed to come out of nowhere. I tried to ‘work through’ why I was feeling in this state (I didn’t find any answers), and contemplated the implications of letting this sense of despondency taking control of my trading. In the end, I resolved to trade in very small size the following day. As Friday progressed this negative feeling started to dissipate, and it had entirely lifted after I went to the gym in the evening. While this can be counted as a success of sorts, I am also conscious that I didn’t keep the messages of my road map at the very forefront of my mind through the week. At this moment in time, I firmly believe there is nothing more important for me to focus on, so I have resolved to use these meditation rooms every morning to focus on what is important and to hone my intentions. On this note, the following quotes from a recent piece by Brett Steenbarger really hit home:
“Philosopher and mystic G. I. Gurdjieff also emphasized the role of lies in human psychology. The greatest of lies that we tell ourselves, Gurdjieff asserted, was that we have free will. In reality, most of our actions are mechanical, tossed here and there by moods, whims, needs, and the impact of external events.“
“We take solace in New Year’s resolutions and earnest plans for self-improvement that, like last year’s exercise equipment, eventually become part of our forgotten mental furniture.”
“Quite simply, people lack intentionality: the ability to sustain directed activity. They cannot do.”
“Gurdjieff’s insight was that we lack intentionality because we fail to remember ourselves. In a state of self-awareness, we vow to do the right things. Once we exit that self-awareness, the right things vanish with it.”
“Zen masters spend years cultivating the capacity to remember themselves: to remain self-aware.”
It is so very easy to forget ourselves.